We all experience difficult relationships in our lives and sometimes people struggle with setting boundaries and learning where these difficult relationships fit into their life. It can be challenging, especially when the difficult relationships are with our family members and coworkers. Learning how to love others unconditionally can be difficult because sometimes those people have hurt us deeply. Understanding why people are the way they are allows room for more compassion and understanding, but in no way does it mean that their actions or choices are okay. In these circumstances of forgiveness, it’s not about forgiving them for them, but forgiving them for yourself to heal and move forward. Loving people unconditionally isn’t saying that the actions of the other person need to be tolerated.
Some people struggle to understand that we can unconditionally love people from a distance. We can create many different boundaries with the people around us, from the spectrum of limited time with people who cause us distress or discomfort to removing people from our lives as needed. Within those boundaries comes a sense of unconditional love but not unconditionally tolerating the negative behaviours that upset us. For example, someone can unconditionally love their mom, however, that relationship can be so difficult and problematic, that it’s impossible to have a relationship with her yet it’s still possible to have compassion for her and still send her love from a distance.
For some reading this, it may be triggering to think of forgiving someone who can take no accountability for their actions and who will continue to hurt others in the same way if given the space. People have the capacity they have and it’s not for us to accept and tolerate their bad behaviour because they are incapable of doing better. We need to set the necessary boundaries with them. But as the amazing Nelson Mandela once said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies”. It’s so important to let go of resentment and do your healing, even if the other person can’t heal and grow themselves.
If you’re struggling with setting the boundaries needed or learning how to unconditionally love someone from a distance, I’d love to help you out. I work holistically and specialize mainly in trauma work and helping clients integrate their past trauma to then help clients figure out their boundaries.